Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
