if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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