Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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