Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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