There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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