Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
