so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
