in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
