Define "chronic" masturbator.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Randomize
