I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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