I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
