Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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