Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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