apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
