we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
