Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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