sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
