I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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