I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
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