1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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