two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
