There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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