Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
