I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
