This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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