i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
