It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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