I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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