Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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