then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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