if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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