Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
