dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I still have a little drunk in my system
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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