I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
