He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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