I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We're using joints as your birthday candles
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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