If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
