Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
