he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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