i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
