i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
