She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
