I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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