yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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