Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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