I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
