The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
