Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
