he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
