Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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