Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
