I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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