Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
