I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
