living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
