I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
