i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
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Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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