get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
