I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
