my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You can't just leave with hair like that
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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