Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
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i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks